“PRISON KNIFE FIGHT,” by Shaenon K. Garrity. Read by Dave Kellett.

Very expensive nanny. Very expensive tutor. Montessori nursery school priced competitively with Yale. Phonics, piano lessons from age four, one edifying vacation in a major European city per year, a diet of both organic and local produce cooked to order from a menu drawn up by a personal nutrition coach, and a white-noise machine. A portfolio of coloring-book samples. What was missing?  Oh, yes…

Mr. Slocombe peered over the thick sheaf of paperwork.  “We’ll have to see his medical records, of course.”

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Shaenon K. Garrity is the creator of the daily webstrips “Narbonic” and “Skin Horse” (the latter co-written with fellow contributor Jeffrey Wells), as well as many other comics both on- and offline. She occasionally writes scripts for Marvel Comics, a disproportionate number of which involve department-store Santas. She also works as a freelance manga editor for VIZ Media and teaches at the Academy of Art in San Francisco. She lives in Berkeley with her husband, Andrew Farago, and their neurotic cat Tesla.

Dave Kellett is the creator of the comic strips “Sheldon” and “Drive”. More of his voice can be heard on the podcast Webcomics Weekly.

In the book, “Prison Knife Fight” is illustrated by Roger Langridge!

“SUICIDE,” by David Michael Wharton. Read by Todd Luoto.

As he waited for the crosswalk light to change, he noticed the bar across the street. There was always a bar within walking distance of these places, without fail, or a liquor store. They were like remoras, feeding from the belly of the Death Machine wherever it sprang up. He could see a few of them in there now, heads down, that uniquely blank look on their faces. Some of them had their death cards laid out on the bar, staring as if waiting for the ink to shift, for the universe to hiccup, for destiny to laugh and admit, “Just kidding.”

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David Michael Wharton is a freelance writer and journalist from Texas. When not sweating in the trenches as an editor for Creative Screenwriting Magazine, he hammers out screenplays and short fiction and swears one of these days he’s going to get around to that novel, damn it.

Todd Luoto is a filmmaker and screenwriter from Massachusetts. Currently he is a programmer for the Sundance Film Festival, and his film Oil Change is touring festivals around the country.

In the book, “Suicide” is illustrated by Brian McLachlan!

“ALMOND,” by John Chernega. Read by Kevin McShane.

I’m tired of looking at the machine, but there’s nothing else to look at. Maybe it’s supposed to wear down my defenses and get me to take the test, but I’ve made my decision. So I sit and stare at it. My planner is black with the blood of my tormented doodles. There is a brick wall outside my window. What’s on the other side? My guess is that it’s a locker room, and there are dozens of hot naked chicks inside, all with a thing for underpaid lab technicians who could, at the drop of a hat, tell them how they’re going to die.

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John Chernega lives in southern Minnesota with his wife and sons. Aside from a few corporate catalogs, “Almond” is his first published work. He keeps a nondescript business card on his nightstand that says “Clumsy Hippopotamus”, but he refuses to divulge whether it’s from a machine of death, or if he’s been moonlighting as a clumsy hippopotamus.

Kevin McShane is a cartoonist, designer, actor, filmmaker, writer, photographer, and a dozen other things that won’t impress you either. He can be found digitally at kevinmcshane.org. See Kevin perform with the improv-comedy team Trophy Wife, or hear more of his melodious voice on select episodes of Tweet Me Harder.

In the book, “Almond” is illustrated by Paul Horn!

“EXHAUSTION FROM HAVING SEX WITH A MINOR,” by Yahtzee Croshaw. Read by the author.

“The job of Prime Minister is no job for a weakling,” said Derek Fortham MP, eyes shining in the TV spotlight. “Centuries of British politics have shown us that. It’s a job that calls upon all of a man’s strength. It’s a job for men who know their limitations. Men with perspective. With drive.”

The audience was utterly silent, staring with goggle-eyed hero-worship as Fortham reached into his inside pocket and produced a white slip of paper, which he held between his first and second fingers and waved in time with his speech.

“I always keep my death prediction close to my heart. At the age of fifty-seven I will be knocked down by a car; that’s what it says. I don’t fear it. I’ll never run from it. When I see that car coming, I will stand with feet firm. That’s the kind of strong leadership this country needs.”

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Ben “Yahtzee” Croshaw was born and raised in England but now lives in Australia. Primarily a gaming writer, he is responsible for the “Zero Punctuation” video reviews at The Escapist online magazine. His first novel, Mogworld, has been published by Dark Horse Books. His personal site is fullyramblomatic.com.

In the book, Yahtzee’s story is illustrated by Cameron Stewart!

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“FUDGE,” by Kit Yona. Read by the author.

As he watched, two girls in their early teens wheeled away from the front of the line. The shorter of the two was consumed by high-pitched giggles, but her wispy friend was ghost-white. As they moved past, the giggler took a deep breath and said, “Oh, Robin! Don’t take it so seriously! It’s probably not true!”

Rick watched and saw the other knuckle at her eyes. “But what if it is?” she said. “I can’t believe he’d…” Then they drifted out of his earshot.

When he looked back at the corner, someone else was walking his way, a tall guy about his age. When he saw Rick staring he broke into a sheepish grin and shrugged, waving a slip of paper in a matter-of-fact way. “Fifth time I’ve taken the test, fifth time I’ve gotten this answer.” His smile vanished, and his face clouded over. “Still not quite sure what it means, you know?” 

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Living deep in the savage lands known as the ‘Dirty Jerz,’ Kit Yona runs an auto salvage yard, adds income via poker whenever possible and plays rugby with an enthusiasm that far outstrips any athleticism he might believe he possesses. In his lack of spare time Kit edits and writes for the fantasy book review site The Griffin or the Agate to justify the time spent getting his Masters degree in English. He blames his appearance in this tome on his beautiful muse of a wife, Laura. He can be tormented/harassed/contacted at jydog1 at gmail dot com.

In the book, Kit’s story is illustrated by Vera Brosgol!